He doesn’t care how long you’ve been planning this trip, or how much money you’ve spent on it, or how much you’ve been looking forward to it–or even how much fun it can be if he gave it a chance. He doesn’t feel good and he wants you to know it.

He was too excited to go to sleep on time. It wasn’t quiet enough for him to sleep as long. And he woke up when he heard you getting up. He’s overtired and he wants you to know it.

Kicking, screaming, rolling on the ground.

> Jack, do you want to go see some dolphins?
>> AHHHH!!!!!
> How about whales?
>> AHHHHHHH!!!!
> You want a cookie?
>> …yeah

A moment later he’s holding a cookie way too large for him to carry. Another moment later, the cookie is broken into three pieces on the cobblestone, and he’s rolling on the ground next to it

> It’s okay! Daddy will get you another one! Lets go pick another one out from the bakery!

Repeat.

Been at the park an hour now, and you’ve made it about 200 yards. Three trips to the bakery. You finally make it to the dolphin feeding area. Does he want to feed them? Nah. Does he even want to see them? Nah. He’s thirsty and he doesn’t want any of the drinks you have with you. None of the food you have with you either. The only place that’s open nearby is the bakery. So your wife walks him around while you make yet another trip to the bakery. 15 minutes and $11 later, you’re back with frozen lemonade in a souvenir cup. You wouldn’t dream of giving him anything this sugary in real life, but hey, it’s vacation!

Screaming continues, in between gulps.
> Do you want to walk?
>> WAH!!
> Do you want daddy to carry you?
>> WAH!!
> Do you want mommy to carry you?
>> WAH!!
> Do you want to sit in the stroller?
>> WAH!!

Starting to get frustrated
> Do you want to go back to the hotel?
>> WAH!!
> Do you want to go back home?
>> WAH!!
> Another cookie?
>> WAH!!
> Something else to eat?
>> WAH!!

Getting desperate
> Play with daddy’s wallet?
>> WAH!!
> Daddy’s phone?
>> WAH!!
> Daddy’s camera?
>> WAH!!
> Anything, anything at all to make you feel better, buddy!

He’s turning red. His face is covered in tears, snot and cookie crumbs.

Oh man, you’re that family in the park now! You know, the one you’ve walked by shaking your head, thinking, “that’s just bad parenting.” Other families walking by glare at you as they judge you. Some share a sympathetic “been there before” look, but the rest just shake their head.

“Oh man, I’m so glad you’re not acting like that!” you hear one mom tell her kid, “that kid is not a happy camper!”

Mowing the overgrown backyard is sounding good right about how. Heck, you’d rather be sitting at the sticker shop waiting for them to do that overdue inspection on your wife’s car that you’ve been putting off, right about now. Or finishing that wiring job in the study. Or even cleaning the garage. *shudder*

Finally, your wife steps in and offers the kid nursies. He agrees, and for the first time in over an hour, the kid is finally quiet. He’s calming down. You can feel his heart rate slowing down.

Breasts. To think you liked those things before you had a baby–you had no idea how often they’d save your butt. Your relief soon turns to horror when you think about what you’ll do when he’s too old to breastfeed. The glass is always half empty for you, isn’t it? Live in the now, dumb ass!

Anyway, twenty minutes go by and your little tyke is feeling a lot better now. Not his usual playful self by any means, but a whole lot better.

So you go play in the tubes, and you go play in the water, and you go watch a show with whales and dolphins. It’s only a fraction of what you hoped to do, but you have a damn good time doing it. You drive back to your hotel and he takes a nap with mama, while you head to the bar, having learned some very valuable lessons:

• you haven’t seen it all
• you were too hasty to label people as “bad parents” before
• breasts are awesome

Good times.

Tags: comic, family vacation, San Antonio, Sea World, tantrums, terrible twos